MMRP: Kai M. Profile (2022)
Note: For the sake of privacy and anonymity, “Kai” is using an alias to mask their identity.
In the sleepy suburbs of Long Island, N.Y., Kai grew up with all the American standards: a cozy house on the corner of a quiet street, hard-working parents that selflessly provided for their children and a petite Coton de Tulear named Charlie. Outside, hung from a white beam on the front porch, a weathered American flag flows back and forth in the frigid winter breeze. Inside, Kai's bedroom is lit with an orangeish hue from a single ceiling fan. It's a small space, but also a welcoming one with navy blue carpet floors and white walls with spots of chipped paint. A lemon bergamot-scented candle's light flickers on the corner of a desk next to a gray MacBook laptop. On the other end of the desk, a small bottle of pink nail polish and a black hair tie hide between a desk lamp and potted plant. Across from the desk is a corner entertainment center with a Nintendo Switch system, an Animal Crossing-themed dock and a small flat-screen television.
Growing up with little to do as a child in the uneventful suburbs aside from going to the nearby Roosevelt Field Mall for the hundredth time, Kai embraced video games from an early age. Imagine the excitement for 5-year-old Kai upon unwrapping a brand-new Nintendo 64 on Christmas morning. “We got Super Smash Bros., Mario Kart and pretty much all of the Mario games. I grew up playing them throughout all of elementary school,” said Kai.
While gaming began as a pastime, it shifted into becoming an outlet to explore themselves. Specifically, Kai enjoys RPGs, saying, “I just really like the ability and option to explore and not have a set path that you need to go through. I just never liked feeling constrained and having to go down a specific road for a mission.” An RPG, or role-playing game, is a game in which the player assumes the role of the main character. In other words, the player will make choices that shape the narrative of the story within the game. For Kai, that freedom of choice and self-expression were important aspects in the video games they liked to play. As high school brought along drama, romance and the fiery passions of adolescence, though, Kai left the video game controller behind as they were enraptured in the spring of their youth. However, during the widespread lull of the COVID-19 pandemic, Kai rekindled that love for gaming again – especially through one specific game.
Throughout their childhood, Kai always felt a certain disconnect with the other boys. At first, it started small. They seemed to show more interest in girls' clothing rather than boys', saying, “I was always jealous of girls' clothes. I thought they were softer and cooler. Everything in the guys' section for middle school boys was long basketball shorts and graphic t-shirts.” Kai also found themselves feeling uncomfortable with the usual juvenile, boyish rituals, often resulting in becoming a target of their peers. “Middle schools boys are just mean and making fun of each other is a form of friendship, but I was not about it. They would always pick on me at lunch because I was one of the weakest, both emotionally and physically.” However, Kai was anything but a pushover. Thomas Yacavone, one of their long-time childhood friends, said, “They remained positive and continued to do what they felt in their heart. I've never seen someone so stubborn – in a good way – about what they feel and I think that's awesome to be able to remain true to yourself like that.”
“I first met Kai in 4th grade. We were in the same class and sat next to each other. We immediately hit it off becoming great friends. My impressions in my 4th grade mind were as simple as, 'This is one cool fella.'” Even now, Kai fondly remembers the many afternoons they spent together playing chess and backgammon at the local Starbucks throughout high school. Their friendship was the picture-perfect, Hallmark type where both supported each other. “He never forced me to do anything I didn't want to do, but was encouraging if I did try and do things that were outside my comfort zone,” said Kai.
Upon entering college at SUNY New Paltz, Kai began a transformative chapter in their life. A golden opportunity presented itself in the form of a widespread pandemic that shut down businesses, schools and many aspects of life, forcing people to quarantine in their homes.
“It wasn't until the pandemic that I actually finally took the step. While I was living upstate in New Paltz, I lived with a roommate. I knew she was super supportive so I was not worried about anything with her,” they said. “Because I was in an environment where I was living with somebody who I was very comfortable with and I wasn't really seeing anybody except for her [due to quarantines], I felt like this was the time to try new things.” Somewhat hesitant but hopeful and excited, Kai started with small steps. “ I just bought black jeans and a t-shirt. Nothing hardcore, but it was feminine. It still felt really good to me. I was like, 'Oh shit, I'm really doing this.'” They continued to experiment with feminine clothing on a college-student budget, curating a carefully-selected, budget-friendly wardrobe from stores like Salvation Army.
As they became more comfortable, they decided to try makeup – albeit with little success during their first attempt. “At first, it was similar to wanting to trying on clothing. I was like, 'Oh man, this is cool.' I really enjoyed that feeling. Regarding the makeup, itself, I was really bad at it because it was a long process,” said Kai. “I'm still atrocious at it.” That said, those small steps eventually became miles towards their progress and comfort into their new identity.
Throughout this exciting transformation, Kai's friends were always there to support them. Amanda Marcano, a recent graduate of SUNY New Paltz and one of their close friends, said, “We lived separately, but they'd send pictures and stuff and it was really exciting to see them come into their own skin and just be more confident.”
One of Kai's turning points in their transition was in their friend's group chat; Kai came out as gender neutral to their friends. Yacavone, one of the friends in the chat, said, “At first, we were all caught off-guard, not fully understanding the implications of what that meant. As they explained further, our confusion cleared and was replaced with pride. We, now, couldn't be more happy for them.” Later, while Kai was in graduate school at SUNY New Paltz, Marcano came to visit them and witnessed a newfound confidence in them. “It was the first time we saw them in a skirt and a wig. They seemed so confident and it was so nice to see,” said Marcano, “I've never seen someone come into their own skin before. To see a person who used to be really shy and blossom into this person they're supposed to be – it's insane and incredible and wonderful to witness.”
Kai was becoming comfortable with their newfound gender identity, but found themselves reaffirmed in their choices from an old flame: video games. Pokemon Legends: Arceus was a game on Kai's radar for a while and there were two specific reasons why they were excited to play; it offered an open-world RPG experience and players could choose their genders during the character creation stage. Once Kai got their hands on the game,though, they were happily surprised by one of the elements of the game; it praised and referred to the player by the gender that they chose. “I didn't realize that they were going to address me as such. When I first saw that, I texted my friend. I was like, 'Oh my god, this is just giving me so much gender euphoria. It just opened up my eyes and made me feel really good about being called 'girl',” they said. “I would imagine myself as this character in this open world, exploring, and it's just a really, really nice feeling.”
“There are good people out there who will support you - always. It’s sometimes very difficult because of the hate you see online, but there are just as many, if not more, supporters of you.”
-Kai
Today, Kai is a Learning Specialist at Vaughn College of Aeronautics and Technology. While they enjoy working in higher education, they also have plans outside of the usual suburban bustle. City life continues to entice them as they wish to someday move to the Big Apple or D.C. At the same time, they wish to explore outside of the U.S., saying, “I’ve always had dreams about teaching English abroad.” Regardless, wherever they go and whatever they do, Kai also wishes to remain close to their family and to find a partner one day. With an open-ended future, Kai has both worries and aspirations, but they continue to stay positive, saying “There are good people out there who will support you - always. It’s sometimes very difficult because of the hate you see online, but there are just as many, if not more, supporters of you.”
